Cordelia Gaffar, a coach, author and podcast host who calls herself the world's best joy monger, joins Niiamah Ashong on the Outlier's Edge Podcast to talk about operating from a baseline of joy. She shares how she transmutes rage into joy through research, writing and poetry, and why she tells clients to talk to the person rather than the journal. What emerged is the importance of receiving yourself: she is the only one who needs to validate her.
Episode at a glance
- Guest: Cordelia Gaffar, Coach, author and podcast host who calls herself the world's best joy monger
- Host: Niiamah Ashong, coach to outlier leaders
- Show: Outlier’s Edge Podcast, released May 24, 2022
- Format: conversation, 56 minutes
- Topics: A baseline of joy, Nurturing yourself first, Transmuting rage into joy, Talk to the person, not the journal, Receiving yourself, Commitment over understanding
What Cordelia brought to the conversation
Cordelia Gaffar calls herself the world's best joy monger, and she operates from what she describes as a baseline of joy. She says an extension of her mothering is the foundation of her work, because without nurturing who she is and who she's being, she can't nurture anyone else. She hosts two podcasts, one questioning whether her thinking is truly free and one exploring the labels people get placed in, and she won a podcast host of the year award. She has written eight books, is working on two more including a book of poetry, and coaches one-on-one while creating experiences that take people outside their comfort zone.
What emerged
The shift Cordelia Gaffar named came after she won a podcast host of the year award: weeks later, when a friend congratulated her over coffee and she said thank you, she finally received it. In that moment she saw that she had been hoping for validation from others, and that she is the only one who needs to validate her. Niiamah Ashong recognized his own experience in hers, of expressing himself fully and still not feeling received. She closed the thread with a distinction of her own: people don't have to understand each other, they just have to be committed and be their word.
Questions this episode answers
What does it mean to operate from a baseline of joy?
Cordelia Gaffar says she radiates from self-nurturing and self-compassion and transcends the experiences she calls character building so she can operate from a baseline of joy. When her nervous system senses despair or stress, she asks how to transmute it rather than neutralize it, and benefit from what is present.
How can a leader turn anger into something constructive?
Cordelia Gaffar created one of her podcasts out of rage, and she processes hard moments through research, inner inquiry, writing and poetry. Niiamah Ashong reflected those tools back to her, open questioning in public, deep research and writing, and said that for him the tool is conversation.
Should you journal about a conflict or talk to the person?
Cordelia Gaffar tells her coaching clients that if what they are writing is fully about somebody else, they need to talk to that person and tell them exactly what is on their mind. When the journaling is about something within themselves, she encourages them to give it time and space first.
Why can recognition feel empty until you receive it yourself?
Cordelia Gaffar physically received a podcast host of the year award, yet only received it weeks later when she thanked a friend for congratulating her. She realized she had a barrier to receiving, and that she is the only one who needs to really validate her.
Do people need to understand each other to work together?
Cordelia Gaffar says people don't have to understand each other; they just have to be committed and be their word. She sees that commitment as what is missing broadly in the world.
In their words
Without nurturing who I am and who I'm being, I can't nurture anyone else.
Cordelia Gaffar
If it's fully about somebody else, talk to the person, just tell them.
Cordelia Gaffar
I'm the only one that needs to really validate me.
Cordelia Gaffar
Key moments
01:33 – Speaking Cordelia into the room
04:07 – Mothering as the foundation of her work
04:38 – Operating from a baseline of joy
08:17 – Hosting two podcasts
11:25 – Research, writing and poetry
12:58 – Transmuting stress, not neutralizing it
15:35 – Talk to the person, not the journal
19:16 – Finally receiving her award
25:00 – The only one who validates her
48:31 – Commitment over understanding
About Niiamah Ashong
Niiamah Ashong is a coach to outlier leaders, host of the Outlier’s Edge Podcast, and founder of the Trailblazer Collective. He coaches leaders who are creating something only they can make: a company, a body of work or a movement. Make a difference with your difference.
Work with Niiamah: 1:1 with Niiamah | World of Difference
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