Allison Crow, a coach of almost 20 years and host of The Wild Edge of Being Human podcast, joins Niiamah Ashong on the Outlier's Edge Podcast to talk about being intentional in creating and being part of community. She explains why people need to be in each other's presence, and why leaders need places where they don't have to lead. What emerged is permission to be fully human: to grieve what is missing, to own the choices behind each season of life, and to cultivate what is missing in the present moment.
Episode at a glance
- Guest: Allison Crow, Coach of almost 20 years, author and host of The Wild Edge of Being Human podcast
- Host: Niiamah Ashong, coach to outlier leaders
- Show: Outlier’s Edge Podcast, released December 6, 2022
- Format: conversation, 52 minutes
- Topics: Intentional community, Co-regulation and the nervous system, Spaces where leaders don't lead, Tenderness for strong people, Grief without shame, Chosen seasons of life
What Allison brought to the conversation
Allison Crow has been coaching for almost 20 years and leads a coaching membership by application, where some of the best recent coaching has come from guest teachers, student teachers and coaches standing in their own gifts. Niiamah Ashong calls her a mentor, and he remembers the moment at an intensive when she saw what someone in the room needed and simply invited her over for a hug. She believes the strongest people need tenderness, and need to learn tenderness with themselves. Her book on finding home in the wild edges of being human, coming out December 6, is about learning to welcome all parts of a person and be with their protective devices compassionately, not getting rid of them or fixing them.
What emerged
Allison Crow says that after years of connecting through screens, people need to be in each other's presence, because some co-regulation happens only there and new behavior can't take hold when the nervous system is in a reactive or protective state. Niiamah Ashong recognizes that he had been creating separateness by waiting to be invited, and he is now choosing to show up in his own community. Allison adds that some seasons are chosen, like the months she spent helping her parents, and that it's possible to grieve what's missing while owning that she chose it. A friend's words reframed it for her: there's no going back to who she was, only who she is right now.
Questions this episode answers
Why do leaders need in-person community?
Allison Crow explains that some co-regulation happens only when people are in the presence of other human beings, and that no one can learn something new or adopt new behavior when their nervous system is in a reactive or protective state. She says that in a world where so much can happen online, people have got to be so intentional.
Why do leaders need spaces where they don't have to lead?
Allison Crow leads her own community but misses the conferences and intensives that somebody else puts on, where she can be a client or a community member. Niiamah Ashong points to the value of going into spaces where a leader can be led or just hang out.
Is it okay for a leader to feel lonely or overwhelmed?
When a client said she was overwhelmed and that it wasn't enlightened, Allison Crow answered that grieving and loneliness are not negative states and not things to be ashamed of. She says a person can be lonely and be a leader, and can be okay and not okay at the same time.
How do you honor a season when you chose to step back from growing your business?
Allison Crow chose to spend five months helping her parents, telling clients she was serving current clients and her family and not selling anything. She says she can have the grief of what she's missing while knowing she chose it, and now she asks how she will be intentional about bringing community back into her life.
How can a leader rebuild community after a period of isolation?
Niiamah Ashong shares that after closing things off during lockdown, it became harder to get back in, and a friend recommended he go do what he used to do. He joined a beach handball group, is getting his son involved in soccer, and chose to give as though the four blocks around him are all of his city.
In their words
My people need tenderness. The strongest people I know need tenderness, and they need to learn tenderness with themselves.
Allison Crow
This is the world we live in. We live in a world where we can do this now, but we have got to be so intentional.
Allison Crow
It is not a moral failure. It is not bad to be grieving, to be lonely.
Allison Crow
Key moments
03:39 – A hug that showed how to serve
06:16 – The strongest people need tenderness
08:20 – Better together in community
11:30 – Co-regulation and the nervous system
16:47 – A neighborhood held together by family
20:28 – Niiamah's way back into community
33:57 – Seasons of chosen duty
37:07 – Only who she is right now
40:51 – Grief is not a moral failure
48:43 – Her book and how to connect
About Niiamah Ashong
Niiamah Ashong is a coach to outlier leaders, host of the Outlier’s Edge Podcast, and founder of the Trailblazer Collective. He coaches leaders who are creating something only they can make: a company, a body of work or a movement. Make a difference with your difference.
Work with Niiamah: 1:1 with Niiamah | World of Difference
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